Only 1 month ago…

I can’t believe that a month has passed since we laid Logan to rest. It really feels like yesterday we were holding him, laughing and playing. The reality is setting in that he is not coming back. That  he isn’t at my mom’s or Brett’s parents. All I can do is shake my head and wonder what happened? Where did I go wrong? What did I miss? It’s hard not to blame yourself when your the mom. You, as the mom, are suppose to protect. You are suppose to have an extra sense for things like this. I was so hell bent on making sure that Logan had a “normal” like that I feel I must have over looked something. But everything that could have led up to his death made sense. His rash, could be prickly heat. His runny poop, teething. Aversion to certain foods, wasn’t hungry or again, teething. How could I have been so careless? I was given 1 job, to raise my kids. I failed him. So hard not to feel responsible. He trusted me and I let him down in the worst way. I know I can’t do this to myself but it’s hard not to. Especially when you are the one who birthed him. Who grew him. It’s hard not to feel you are the reason he had a defect in the first place. I also know that it is one of the most rare forms of heart defects. It is the most unbearable pain a person can endure.

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